A Quiet Day

It doesn't matter how hard we work or what obstacles we overcome, there will always be another hurdle. Another bump in the road. No one asks for this and as someone who has worked very hard to get where I am today, life just doesn't seem fair anymore. Sure, we don't know exactly what someone else is fighting or going through and I understand that we all go through stuff. But watching others soar to the top or receive whatever they ask for with minimal to no effort while I'm still struggling everyday for the simple things doesn't make sense.

Just when I begin to feel good again and proud of myself for accomplishing as much as I have, I am reminded that my struggle isn't over yet. I often ask what I've done to deserve all that I've been forced to go through. I've been a good person, doing the right things with no effort at all and yet I'm left with this feeling of absolute failure.

I left a situation that was unsafe mentally and physically. I worked hard every day for years, enduring criticism from others and feeling embarrassed for being so behind in life. Many times I felt trapped, worthless, and on the verge of giving up. But I kept going and I kept pushing despite what others seemed to think of me. My persistence paid off. I succeeded in things that I was told I would never accomplish and I exceeded my own personal goals many times. I believed that all of my accomplishments would make both me and my family happy. I look around me everyday still in awe of how far I've become.

But I'm still stuck. New obstacles keep getting thrown in front of me along with problems that I can't escape no matter how hard I try. People I care about continue to walk away. The addictions that I watched others face and that tore an entire family apart have followed me into my current home, along with mental illness. Was I meant for this? Did I do something to deserve the stress and uncertainty that I am once again forced to face everyday? I escaped it and it followed me. Why?

My escape now is work. I have a pretty home. It is everything that I wanted, but a new home didn't fix anything or make anything any better. It almost feels as though it actually made things so much worse. I am still reminded that certain people will always see me as incapable of ever accomplishing anything or deserving of even the slightest amount of respect.

Today is a quiet day. One of those days where I'd rather hang out at work or alone in my truck than be at home. I can breathe here. I am not forced to focus on what's not going right around me or fight someone else's demons for them. I don't feel weighed down or like I'm being pulled in several different directions. I feel more like myself. As much like myself as I am allowed to feel at the moment-