The Countdown

My mind has been attempting to process the inevitable since the very day it was mentioned, and as the time draws near, the pain slowly intensifies especially when I am reminded that I was never a part of the plan. Our reality was never that of innocent fairytales, but of borrowed time spent wishing for moments that would never be. I could never deny my love for him, but that love comes with expectations that can only be dreamt about leaving my heart hopelessly lost and searching for something solid to grasp ahold of when the confusion sets in, promises dripping of desperation as if I somehow lack the motivation to survive without him. Many times, it has been made painfully clear that my existence will remain nothing more than a forbidden truth, my identity unknown to those who truly matter. I feel expendable, exhausted in his presence as I try desperately to come to terms with what is best for me even when the thought of what that entails nearly breaks my heart in two, often reminding myself that I feel this way not because I am vulnerable or weak, but simply because I have loved.-